1.
Driver: What are you doing up front with me? You're supposed to be in the back with the patient.
Me: Don't worry about it.
Driver: Yea but..
Me Shh. (To Patient): Now you're going to feel a little pinch in your chest, okay?
Patient: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWCH!
Driver: What the hell did you do to her?
Me: I cardioverted her.
Driver: What's that?
Me: It means I electrocuted her.
Driver: Did it work or did you kill her?
2.
Driver: I can do what ever you need me to do...Except blood, and anything else that should be inside that ends up outside.
3.
Driver: Hey sweetheart how ya doing?
Patient: I'm laying on the floor and he (meaning me) says my hip is broke, how the hell do you think I'm doing?
4.
Me to my partner: Looks like he has had a small incident with his foot. Correct me if I'm wrong but I think the bones are supposed to be under the skin.
5.
Driver: Holy cow!
Me: What?
Driver: Nothing, there's a cow in the church yard over here.
6.
Patient: I'm going to throw up.
Me: Sir, I only have three rules about this: Not on my shoes, Not in my bus and Not in my bus.
7.
Driver (On the use of Narcan): Whatever it was you gave him made me think I should of brought my holy water. Linda Blair did less screaming and vomitting.
8.
Patient to me: I was baking a cake when I fell, I guess I knew you were coming.
9.
Dude, he's vomiting. Help me roll this backboard to the side so he doesn't Jimi Hendrix on us.
10.
Question: So what were you doing when you broke your leg?
Answer: Landing on the ground.
11.
Do you know what they're serving for lunch at the hospital? I have a very particular diet.
12.
Do you think I can finish my beer before we leave?
13.
Sir, I understand that you feel we are not needed but apparently since you called 911 you feel we are. Are you schizophrenic by chance?
14.
No ma'am we're not paramedics, we're EMT's. We don't get to wear capes with our uniforms.
15.
Yes, that could be a broken bone, but I don't honestly know, I mean with all the things they make me carry now a days the least they could do is give me an x-ray machine.
16.
I can take you that hospital, not a problem. Problem is that particuliar hospital is on diversion, so if I take you there the staff will yell at me and then you'll sit and wait and have to endure hours of the "stink eye". Are you sure you have prepared yourself mentally for this?
17.
Due to post-9/11 security concerns I can no longer take any of the bags you had the time to pack during your "emergency". you may take your ID, insurance cards and your wallet with you sir, but as for your luggage, I cannot take it as I cannot vouch for its contents.
18.
No you may not take your beer and cigarettes into the ambulance with you. Why? Well if i can't drink and smoke while in the ambulance you can't either.
19.
Sometimes you just have to assert yourself, especially when your name for this tour has been "doormat".
20.
Yep, going to be one of those days, hot humid and stupid.
21.
Percent of O2...It was good enough for God...
22.
This is why I hate working holidays, you figure at double time it'd be easy, but oh no, everyone has to get sick when I'm around.
23.
Partner to me: Dude, I swear you are a shit-magnet. Never a dull moment.
24.
Boss: Wow you always seem to get arrests when you work, what the heck.
Me: I dunno, I guess everyone is dying to meet me.
25.
When the crap does this tour end?
26.
Me to new EMT: For some of us EMS is like a bad TV show. You know what's going to happen, you just can't resist the temptation to sit through one more episode to see if the writer will make a better story this time around.
27.
Interesting, and why is this your career choice?
28.
Overheard: I swear, that guy they paired me up with is a crap-magnet. 3 arrests and it's not even lunch.
29.
I came to work today excited and ready to save someones life and the first call on the board is the same dude i took in yesterday, for the same thing. I love my job but man a little variety. Someone throw me a steak among the hamburgers.
30.
Me: So what happened to you? (observing how person got into position they're in)
Patient: Well, you see it's complicated, I was standing on the train board trying to put the star on the tree when the board snapped, I went tumbling down and the tree came down with me.
Me: And the mashed potatoes and ham got involved how?
31.
Me (after my partner delivered a shock to a witnessed v-tach/fib arrest): Lazerus come forth!
Helper: Holy moley it worked! (with a wide eyed look of astonishment as the patient opened their eyes "on command".)
32.
Yes indeed. That is the truck they expect us to use. I know it's a fucking toilet.
33.
Hello ma'am. yes I am from the ambulance. yes that thing parked in your driveway. Honest. yes that's the thing i have to use today.
34.
I'm afraid if we wash this thing it'll fall apart. the dirt is the only thing holding it together me thinks.
35.
Holy shit did you just see that car flip over! It's like we're in a movie.
36.
Explosions, excitement, fun!
37.
We all get into EMS for one reason or another, sir. Unfortunately the drunk guy at 4am with the urine stained clothes is NOT a reason.
38.
I swear the next person that gets into this bus that needs a bath is getting an IV of ivory soap.
39.
Funk: Natures way of telling you there is an alternative to not bathing.
40.
Yes, I have to start an IV on you, there are medications that I can give you for you condition. No, I can't hook a bottle of Jameson to the line, I only have Southern Comfort and Sprite.
41.
Me: So sir, has the Aspirin and Nitroglycerin I gave you helped your pain, or is it just the pretty girl next to me that has you pain free?
Patient: Well I am a dirty old man.
42.
Bonus! A 230 am call that doesn't involve alcohol or stupidity. The light of God has shown upon me this morning!
43.
To a student: if you ever want to see the Tasmanian Devil from the cartoon shows, push Narcan a little too quick and let the fur fly.
44.
I'm not burnt out, not in the least, I'm seasoned.
45.
What do you mean you want to go to the hospital, you're standing in front of it? Oh, you mean not this hospital, but the one 5 blocks away. They kicked you out, why? Well yes, if you urinate in their waiting room they tend to get angry. i understand you had to go, but a few years ago they invented in door plumbing. Oh it was broken. outstanding. Well lets see if we can accomadate you, just three rules, not on my shoes, not in my bus and NOT in my bus.
46.
Jesus man, what the fuck did you eat? The odor coming from that side of the bus is reminiscent of hot garbage, a dead skunks ass and burnt rubber. Oh fuck you with the window lock, I NEED AIR!
47.
Hi, I'm Bill and this is my partner, the writer who can't spell.
48.
Yes sir, this is a yo-yo in my hand. Well, I quit smoking recently and ya know, idle hands and all that. Well it's either the yo-yo or an IV catheter, you pick.
49.
Trust me on this, I'm a medical professional.
50.
Hello and welcome to the healthcare system. My name is Bill and I'm the leader of your crack EMS team.
51.
They call it drug math. I call it making notions and potions.
52.
Hey at least we're working in metrics, try doing this shit in gills, grains and hogsheads.
53.
Breaking an arm isn't the end of the world. breaking you neck on the other hand, could be.
54.
Overheard: Can you describe the pain to me?
Pt: Yes, it's about 6 foot two and looks like my husband.
55.
Partner: I know this street is somewhere around here.
Me: Are we supposed to be driving the wrong way on a one-way street right now?
Parnter: This is a one-way.
Me: Yep and there's an MTA bus coming at us, brace for impact my friend.
56.
One of these days i'm going to write an EMS cookbook, I think page one will be called the diabetic: take one part Hypoglycemic, mix 25 grams of dextrose, shake/stir, then RMA.
57.
It's not that I dislike my job, I don't. I dislike certain aspects of it. I'm just not as good as you are at hiding my disdain.
58.
Hey look at that. FLB's.
59.
Partner: What are you doing?
Me: Relabling the console.
Partner: Why?
Me: Because i felt that adding guns, missiles, a laser and a forward deflector array would be too much to get done in the 10 minutes we get to check this toilet out before we are unleashed on the "great unwashed masses".
60.
Student: Is sarcasm what you do best?
Me: Well it depends on the situation. Most times I rely on wit and charm, or I rely on dry professionalism. If sarcasm gets someone to laugh at my lame jokes then so be it, whatever works. To put it another way: as long as they're laughing they ain't dying, not in my bus.
61.
Student: I don't get this!!!
Me: Don't get what?
Student: How do they expect me to understand shit?
Me: Well shit is really a small aspect of our job, this is true. But it's how the body makes shit that you need to understand. Once you get that down then you'll know something about shit...and shit.
62.
Yep. One more hour to go. Spoke to soon...
63.
Partner: Oh no not you.
Me: What did I do.
Partner: It's what you get that worries me.
Me: Should I go get some extra epi's now or you want to wait?
64.
Game face on. No we are not going to play repeater like in the movie Super Troopers. Okay, maybe once but that's it. I mean it.
65.
Me to another crew looking to play a prank on another unit: If you put a slice of extra cheese pizza or the whole pie on the windshield of another unit, don't be surprised if they nitro-paste your door handles. Fair warning.
66.
We have bubblegum flavoured aspirin, it's good, I had some before reminded me of Flintstones Vitamins.
67.
Ladies and Gentlemen welcome aboard flight 12 for this afternoon. The in-house meal service will consist of 162mg of Aspirin. Please note that an oxygen mask may be applied to you at any given moment and you are advised that the only way out is through the doors you came in. Thank you for choosing 911, and we hope you enjoy the in-transport entertainment.
68.
Sorry about the bumps in the roads, I don't build them, I have to drive on 'em.
69.
CLANK!BANG!
Driver: Someone's muffler parts just cracked the windshield.
Me: You okay?
Driver: I am, but my fruit of the looms might have some problems.
Me: Nasty.
70.
Dude is that guy pointing a gun at us?
71.
Work has to get ready for me not the other way around.
72.
Holy t-waves Batman! It's an MI.
73.
800's done, check. Buses cleaned, check...Patients transported, check, happily, eh maybe a little?
74.
Pt: I'm a little drunk.
Me: Just a smidge?
Pt: What's a smidge?
Me: It's like a smudge, only it's smaller.
Pt: ....... (looks at partner, confused)
75.
From "anonymous" contributor (please don't get mad if I got it somewhat wrong):
Sir, please stop laughing, this isn't a laughing matter. You really are having a heart attack right now.
76.
So, do you remember falling from the tree? By that I mean do you remember the exact moment that your feet left the branch and you had a "pucker up moment" knowing this is going to hurt a lot.
77.
I say an awful lot of things to people in the back of the bus, most of them are funny, some are serious, but even then I like to channel my inner clown.
78.
Me: Here, I'm going to make you a blue ribbon for tree climbing.
Pt: Thanks, you shouldn't have.
Me: You're welcome, first prize.
79.
You want a what? No the radios are safe, I assure you. Really? I understand your concerns, I'll even turn them off if that will make you comfortable. Not working? I'm sorry, but making you a tin-foil hat is not within the scope of my practice... No tin-foil.
80.
Sure you can cut the car apart, just let me explain to the patient inside why a new Mercedes with less than 50 miles on it will be a convertible.
81.
Wow, you jumped from waaaaaaaaaaay up there?
82.
Why? Oh why, why, why? Does all of this have to wait until I walk through the door. Everyone else, no-hitters, me SMASH now go get 'em.
83.
Me: What are you doing?
New EMT: Filling out your PCR for you.
Me: Thank you, how is your handwriting?
New EMT: Looks down at paperwork, looks at me: Not the best.
Me: Let me see. Wow, your hand writing is for shite.
84.
Welcome to the big leagues. Alcohol is bad for you. Food, Water, gatorade that's good, alcohol bad when it's hot out. That's how you end up with a big needle hanging out of your arm.
85.
Partner: The circus just came into town in the form of an engine company. Can this scene become more of a cluster?
Me: A boss just pulled up.
86.
Me to the Charge Nurse after 15 minutes of trying to gain someone's attention: It's not that I object to being ignored, I just object to being stared at while I'm being ignored, you understand?
87.
I'm sorry did we just step through a rip in space time and get teleported to Beirut, 1983?
88.
Jumper: I swear I'll do it if you come any closer.
Cop: Either you Jump or you don't jump. I'm going to talk to the fire boss. (3 other cops grab jumper from his blind side and tackle him to the ground)
Partner: Man, now we have to work.
Me: Yea but if he did a Peter Pan we'd have to scrape up all the bits and bag 'em
Partner: True that.
89.
Seen on the side of an Ambulance (not one of mine): "Kick 'em Stick 'em, Move on to the next".
90.
Wow the lights are on and the roaches are looking at us like "what the fuck are you doing here?".
91.
What is that awful stench did someone just slaughter a goat in here?
92.
BING! BING! BING!
Me: Dude what is that binging sound?
Partner, who is driving: That's the Roll over alarm, when you are going too fast and turn sometimes it goes off.
Me: That means that all these turns you're taking too fast could roll us over? Can we not do that any more?
93.
Doctors RMA people I just write the paperwork.
94.
Me: Something about this call violates the prime directive.
Partner: What's the prime directive?
Me: The prime directive is no one pukes, defecates, urinates or otherwise corrupts themselves in my bus. All of that is happening right now.
95.
My name is Bill, and apparently I am chaos incarnate today.
96.
EMS is like being on an air plane. Most of the trip is calm, serene and enjoyable, then there's the inevitable turbulence when the pilot turns on the fasten seatbelt sign.
97.
No! Don't break a seal! Just work out of the bag, if you break a seal then I have to restock and reseal. I know I have to restock the bag, but I don't have to reseal it. Gosh you people always want to do extra work.
98.
It's ALS until i deem otherwise, and even then it's probably ALS.
99.
I have a student today, should I be afraid? A better question is should they?
100.
I have had plenty of oxygen thieves in the back of the bus, why shouldn't someone who needs the stuff get it.
101.
Pain management begins with talking to the person, not with an IV and ten of morphine. What we don't carry narcs? Well then nitrous...No nitrous, okay do we have toradol? Yes we have toradol..what was the point I was making?
102.
Happy face. Sad face. Happy face. Sad face. In-between face, terrific.
103.
I can't give you anything to drink in the ambulance, unless you want salt water. I don't think that will quench your thirst.
104.
Rain, sleet, hail, snow, hurricane, the zombie apocalypse. Doesn't matter someone will call us.
105.
My relief is here time to do the happy dance!
106.
It's 8 miles to the hospital we've got a full tank of gas, half a litre of fluid on-board, it's dark and there's a monsoon brewing.
107.
Throw the flag we've got a fare.
108.
Ever have the type of tour when you expect Rod Serling to step into frame and say "You have entered the twilight zone"? I'm having that type of day.
109.
Can you walk and have you tried?
110.
Figures 18 flights up and the only elevator that works has a guy peeing in it.
111.
Is it really a breathing problem if you can shout at me for 5 minutes straight?
112.
Today is your lucky day, I'm in a good humour.
113.
We have fabulous door prizes in store for you today, a dusting of aspirin followed by a sprinkling of nitro.
114.
Maybe it's really the nitroglycerine headache that makes chest pain "go away". Not because the nitro does nothing, it does work on the blood vessels quite well, but in that the splitting headache takes a patients mind off of the angina.
115.
(Sung to the tune of the "Star Spangled Banner"): Oh asystole..by the dawns early light.....
116.
Me to Student: I'm just here to make sure you don't assassinate anyone.
117.
I will take a solid BLS provider any day of the week over a mediocre ALS one.
118.
I have exorcised the demons!
119.
Night falls and the ferals come out of the woodwork, I'll have at least one of them in this bus before I go home.
120.
No Whammies, No Whammies, No Whammies..STOP! Damn it.
121.
Me to new EMT-B: Yes at one time there was a certification called EMT-D, no, contrary to popular belief the D did not stand for dick even though, on occasion, I can be one.
122.
To same new EMT: In EMS we are rule utilitarian. No that's not a manufacturer of a Buff belt, but rather an ethical..never mind here's something shiny, go play.
123.
My first partner: So kid, you okay. Not everyday you get to see something like a decapitation. If you can handle this you can handle anything. Want to go get something to eat?
(I only looked at him and nodded)
124.
Nursing homes have a unique odour of bleach, food that has been puréed , something awful and floor wax all in one miasma and all at once as soon as you enter the door. If hopelessness had a smell that would be it.
125.
Game on, let's do this.
126.
To New EMT's: Being prepared for the inevitable changes the longer you are in EMS. When you are new you can't wait for a bad call, when you've been around a while you wish you hadn't seen so many.
127.
Why isn't there a protocol for this?
128.
Didn't you read the epi-pen? It has a big arrow on it that says "TOWARDS PATIENT" on it, and yet somehow you managed to get it stuck, STUCK, in your thumb.
129.
Send in the clowns this is turning into a comedy of errors tonight.
130.
I wish I could have said: Please sir, can you stop your heart from changing rhythms, but I was reluctant to do so because I knew the next one was asystole.
131.
Why oh why does everyone have to eat just before they decide to go into arrest. I can't make this any simpler: Plan ahead there will be less vomit for me to deal with.
132.
Ugh, what did I just put my knee into? That had better be water.
133.
Are you sure it was me that took you the last time? Short guy, baseball cap, pen in his ear, used a load of sarcasm? No? Then it was definitely someone else.
134.
Patient: "Did you come to finish me off?"
Me: "No ma'am I'm from the ambulance, we let doctors do that now a days."
135.
ED Nurse: Can you bring something good in here for once?
Me: Hmm. If you guys get a cath lab, a level one trauma standing , I'll load your ER with plenty of worthwhile cases. Until then it's splinters, shitters and spitters.
136.
Yes I believe this individual has imbibed in a bit too much of the evil brew tonight, don't get too close you may get a contact high.
137.
Look new toys for us to play with!
138.
Up, down, up, down, in, out, in, out. Who would of thought cpr was like aerobics?
139.
ER Nurse: So what's the scoop?
Me: I bring you a fine case of F.D.G.B.
ER Nurse: I'll bite what is FDGB?
Me: Fall Down Go Boom.
140.
Cutting the seatbelt of a Neck/Back pain patient sitting an undamaged vehicle involved in an MVA is so rewarding. It renders the vehicle undrivable..those silly seatbelt laws.
141.
Pt: Did he just say flatline? I don't want to hear I'm flatline!
Partner: No, and besides if you were flatline you wouldn't hear us anyhow.
Me: Yea, and if you still could the only thing you may hear is "Bah shit, start cpr and pass the
epi".
142.
Welcome to my ambulance! This is my home for the next 24 hours, please wipe your feet and take a seat.
143.
Pt: What's in that bag?
Me: This bag? Why this where we keep the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and some medications.
144.
Told by a partner once: "Get the 'Oh shit kit'."
145.
Notice to all employees that I found the other day from a long ago Employer:
"Please refrain from engaging in conversation with a patient's family, there have been recent complaints that crews have been ignoring them." (I wondered then as I wonder now, if they we ignored them then why should we not engage them in conversation?)
146.
Partner: It just started to snow out.
Me: Great. Now it's time to watch bumper cars on ice.
85.
Partner: The circus just came into town in the form of an engine company. Can this scene become more of a cluster?
Me: A boss just pulled up.
86.
Me to the Charge Nurse after 15 minutes of trying to gain someone's attention: It's not that I object to being ignored, I just object to being stared at while I'm being ignored, you understand?
87.
I'm sorry did we just step through a rip in space time and get teleported to Beirut, 1983?
88.
Jumper: I swear I'll do it if you come any closer.
Cop: Either you Jump or you don't jump. I'm going to talk to the fire boss. (3 other cops grab jumper from his blind side and tackle him to the ground)
Partner: Man, now we have to work.
Me: Yea but if he did a Peter Pan we'd have to scrape up all the bits and bag 'em
Partner: True that.
89.
Seen on the side of an Ambulance (not one of mine): "Kick 'em Stick 'em, Move on to the next".
90.
Wow the lights are on and the roaches are looking at us like "what the fuck are you doing here?".
91.
What is that awful stench did someone just slaughter a goat in here?
92.
BING! BING! BING!
Me: Dude what is that binging sound?
Partner, who is driving: That's the Roll over alarm, when you are going too fast and turn sometimes it goes off.
Me: That means that all these turns you're taking too fast could roll us over? Can we not do that any more?
93.
Doctors RMA people I just write the paperwork.
94.
Me: Something about this call violates the prime directive.
Partner: What's the prime directive?
Me: The prime directive is no one pukes, defecates, urinates or otherwise corrupts themselves in my bus. All of that is happening right now.
95.
My name is Bill, and apparently I am chaos incarnate today.
96.
EMS is like being on an air plane. Most of the trip is calm, serene and enjoyable, then there's the inevitable turbulence when the pilot turns on the fasten seatbelt sign.
97.
No! Don't break a seal! Just work out of the bag, if you break a seal then I have to restock and reseal. I know I have to restock the bag, but I don't have to reseal it. Gosh you people always want to do extra work.
98.
It's ALS until i deem otherwise, and even then it's probably ALS.
99.
I have a student today, should I be afraid? A better question is should they?
100.
I have had plenty of oxygen thieves in the back of the bus, why shouldn't someone who needs the stuff get it.
101.
Pain management begins with talking to the person, not with an IV and ten of morphine. What we don't carry narcs? Well then nitrous...No nitrous, okay do we have toradol? Yes we have toradol..what was the point I was making?
102.
Happy face. Sad face. Happy face. Sad face. In-between face, terrific.
103.
I can't give you anything to drink in the ambulance, unless you want salt water. I don't think that will quench your thirst.
104.
Rain, sleet, hail, snow, hurricane, the zombie apocalypse. Doesn't matter someone will call us.
105.
My relief is here time to do the happy dance!
106.
It's 8 miles to the hospital we've got a full tank of gas, half a litre of fluid on-board, it's dark and there's a monsoon brewing.
107.
Throw the flag we've got a fare.
108.
Ever have the type of tour when you expect Rod Serling to step into frame and say "You have entered the twilight zone"? I'm having that type of day.
109.
Can you walk and have you tried?
110.
Figures 18 flights up and the only elevator that works has a guy peeing in it.
111.
Is it really a breathing problem if you can shout at me for 5 minutes straight?
112.
Today is your lucky day, I'm in a good humour.
113.
We have fabulous door prizes in store for you today, a dusting of aspirin followed by a sprinkling of nitro.
114.
Maybe it's really the nitroglycerine headache that makes chest pain "go away". Not because the nitro does nothing, it does work on the blood vessels quite well, but in that the splitting headache takes a patients mind off of the angina.
115.
(Sung to the tune of the "Star Spangled Banner"): Oh asystole..by the dawns early light.....
116.
Me to Student: I'm just here to make sure you don't assassinate anyone.
117.
I will take a solid BLS provider any day of the week over a mediocre ALS one.
118.
I have exorcised the demons!
119.
Night falls and the ferals come out of the woodwork, I'll have at least one of them in this bus before I go home.
120.
No Whammies, No Whammies, No Whammies..STOP! Damn it.
121.
Me to new EMT-B: Yes at one time there was a certification called EMT-D, no, contrary to popular belief the D did not stand for dick even though, on occasion, I can be one.
122.
To same new EMT: In EMS we are rule utilitarian. No that's not a manufacturer of a Buff belt, but rather an ethical..never mind here's something shiny, go play.
123.
My first partner: So kid, you okay. Not everyday you get to see something like a decapitation. If you can handle this you can handle anything. Want to go get something to eat?
(I only looked at him and nodded)
124.
Nursing homes have a unique odour of bleach, food that has been puréed , something awful and floor wax all in one miasma and all at once as soon as you enter the door. If hopelessness had a smell that would be it.
125.
Game on, let's do this.
126.
To New EMT's: Being prepared for the inevitable changes the longer you are in EMS. When you are new you can't wait for a bad call, when you've been around a while you wish you hadn't seen so many.
127.
Why isn't there a protocol for this?
128.
Didn't you read the epi-pen? It has a big arrow on it that says "TOWARDS PATIENT" on it, and yet somehow you managed to get it stuck, STUCK, in your thumb.
129.
Send in the clowns this is turning into a comedy of errors tonight.
130.
I wish I could have said: Please sir, can you stop your heart from changing rhythms, but I was reluctant to do so because I knew the next one was asystole.
131.
Why oh why does everyone have to eat just before they decide to go into arrest. I can't make this any simpler: Plan ahead there will be less vomit for me to deal with.
132.
Ugh, what did I just put my knee into? That had better be water.
133.
Are you sure it was me that took you the last time? Short guy, baseball cap, pen in his ear, used a load of sarcasm? No? Then it was definitely someone else.
134.
Patient: "Did you come to finish me off?"
Me: "No ma'am I'm from the ambulance, we let doctors do that now a days."
135.
ED Nurse: Can you bring something good in here for once?
Me: Hmm. If you guys get a cath lab, a level one trauma standing , I'll load your ER with plenty of worthwhile cases. Until then it's splinters, shitters and spitters.
136.
Yes I believe this individual has imbibed in a bit too much of the evil brew tonight, don't get too close you may get a contact high.
137.
Look new toys for us to play with!
138.
Up, down, up, down, in, out, in, out. Who would of thought cpr was like aerobics?
139.
ER Nurse: So what's the scoop?
Me: I bring you a fine case of F.D.G.B.
ER Nurse: I'll bite what is FDGB?
Me: Fall Down Go Boom.
140.
Cutting the seatbelt of a Neck/Back pain patient sitting an undamaged vehicle involved in an MVA is so rewarding. It renders the vehicle undrivable..those silly seatbelt laws.
141.
Pt: Did he just say flatline? I don't want to hear I'm flatline!
Partner: No, and besides if you were flatline you wouldn't hear us anyhow.
Me: Yea, and if you still could the only thing you may hear is "Bah shit, start cpr and pass the
epi".
142.
Welcome to my ambulance! This is my home for the next 24 hours, please wipe your feet and take a seat.
143.
Pt: What's in that bag?
Me: This bag? Why this where we keep the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and some medications.
144.
Told by a partner once: "Get the 'Oh shit kit'."
145.
Notice to all employees that I found the other day from a long ago Employer:
"Please refrain from engaging in conversation with a patient's family, there have been recent complaints that crews have been ignoring them." (I wondered then as I wonder now, if they we ignored them then why should we not engage them in conversation?)
146.
Partner: It just started to snow out.
Me: Great. Now it's time to watch bumper cars on ice.
